Just Breathe

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe on.

I wanted him, and this is what happened

Source: http://nicolaanthony.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/the-word-collection-a-first-foray-into-singapores-art-scene/
Source: http://nicolaanthony.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/the-word-collection-a-first-foray-into-singapores-art-scene/

I wanted him.

“I knew the moment I saw him. When my black eyes met his brown ones. I could see into his very soul, and I felt a pull deep in my gut. He was The One.”

I wish I could say that. But this was not the case.

Sadly, my mind was unpleasantly occupied with another guy when I bumped into him after all those years. He called me out, and I blandly looked around, seeing but not perceiving without my glasses. Thankfully there weren’t many around. Only him, in his chinos and a casual tee shirt covering those rippling muscles. He was standing against a wall, as if waiting for someone.

The thread of recognition jolted through my preoccupied mind. My numbed senses flared. I desperately tried to remember his name. He had been a very good friend once in the past.

Animated, my face gave away my excitement at having finally met him after all those years. Lying came naturally to me. So I could hide my forgetfulness.

“Mmmm…” I thought as I eyed those gym-enhanced muscles, the tall stature, and caught the enticing whiff of his perfume. “Next prey?” I wondered.

We exchanged numbers. I had saved with some makeshift name, I vaguely believed could be his. I couldn’t wait to text him, and get the ball rolling. Ofcourse, that was after a few hours. Within the first few chats, he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no. He made his singledom apparent too. With that, the premises were laid. It was clear he was attracted to me.

However, he occupied but a small portion of my thoughts. Predominantly, I went back to thinking about that guy whom I thought I loved and needed.

It was surprisingly easy to speak to him. Despite being out of touch for over 6 years, we fell into a comfortable familiarity. Not exactly new to me, but something I was not used to for years.

Soon after, I went out of town to meet the guy I was ruminating about. It was complicated. And when I came back, I felt like I left my mind and body back there. But, I knew it couldn’t go on like this. I needed diversion. I needed to snap out of this colossal mess.

That’s when he asked me out. It was innocuous enough. Just coffee. We met, we spoke, we clicked. The attraction grew. I was still hesitant, though. But the connection was palpable. I could not have missed it.

He was clear. Painfully so. He was not in the financial or emotional environment that could help foster a serious relationship. Neither was I.

With that agreed upon, what followed was the most exciting roller-coster ride of a fling ever. For half a year. Even when he was not in the city for a month. In sickness and in health.

What was even clearer was our chemistry. “It could be felt across the room,” my friend told me after she met him. I blushed and nodded. Ever since, she wonders out loud why we two haven’t taken the logical step. But we remain stubborn. “It won’t work out,” we say in agreement.

Now, I want him. But, he is going away.

Also published on Thought Catalog.

Near Time’s still waters

On a bright blue day,

I see time fly.

Reflected on the river’s shiny waters,

Onto my eye.

Scoop into my hands,

I hold my past,

A memorabilia, a proof,

Of times when I had a life.

Still as time, the water flows,

In it, I see me change, I see me grow.

Overhead, the flowers bloom and dry,

First pale, and then green, the leaves turn.

The roots inch towards me,

As if to cajole and caress,

To break me out of my reverie,

To shake the calmness, put away the misery.

Spring turns autumn, and then winter springs,

Unmoving I lay, with time, in sync.

I move, I change; I flow with the waters

Yet on the banks, I consummate my marriage with Hindsight.

The roots finally pull me out

And tuck me under their wings,

Blindfolded, in its shadowy night

A green crow amidst the greens, my sole witness.

Opened, I did, my mouth

I croaked, but the crow spoke

Lifted its wing, and pointed at the red sun

And the black moon, it was hiding behind.

Cried, the white clouds and thundered,

Cried, they, for their black peers, and the fair maid.

The thunder, poignantly sweet to my ears,

A tear rolled and rippled the clean waters.

I woke up, Nostalgia lay beside me,

Unmoving in death, lifeless and unseeing.

With a beating heart, that Hindsight broke.

Time was the catalyst, the perpetual villain of yore.

I blinked, another drop rippled the water

The moon turned red, the sun welcomed the dark

I blinked, the crow flew into the clouds, white,

The roots cleared, and shone blinding yellow light.