I wanted him, and this is what happened


Source: http://nicolaanthony.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/the-word-collection-a-first-foray-into-singapores-art-scene/
Source: http://nicolaanthony.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/the-word-collection-a-first-foray-into-singapores-art-scene/

I wanted him.

“I knew the moment I saw him. When my black eyes met his brown ones. I could see into his very soul, and I felt a pull deep in my gut. He was The One.”

I wish I could say that. But this was not the case.

Sadly, my mind was unpleasantly occupied with another guy when I bumped into him after all those years. He called me out, and I blandly looked around, seeing but not perceiving without my glasses. Thankfully there weren’t many around. Only him, in his chinos and a casual tee shirt covering those rippling muscles. He was standing against a wall, as if waiting for someone.

The thread of recognition jolted through my preoccupied mind. My numbed senses flared. I desperately tried to remember his name. He had been a very good friend once in the past.

Animated, my face gave away my excitement at having finally met him after all those years. Lying came naturally to me. So I could hide my forgetfulness.

“Mmmm…” I thought as I eyed those gym-enhanced muscles, the tall stature, and caught the enticing whiff of his perfume. “Next prey?” I wondered.

We exchanged numbers. I had saved with some makeshift name, I vaguely believed could be his. I couldn’t wait to text him, and get the ball rolling. Ofcourse, that was after a few hours. Within the first few chats, he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no. He made his singledom apparent too. With that, the premises were laid. It was clear he was attracted to me.

However, he occupied but a small portion of my thoughts. Predominantly, I went back to thinking about that guy whom I thought I loved and needed.

It was surprisingly easy to speak to him. Despite being out of touch for over 6 years, we fell into a comfortable familiarity. Not exactly new to me, but something I was not used to for years.

Soon after, I went out of town to meet the guy I was ruminating about. It was complicated. And when I came back, I felt like I left my mind and body back there. But, I knew it couldn’t go on like this. I needed diversion. I needed to snap out of this colossal mess.

That’s when he asked me out. It was innocuous enough. Just coffee. We met, we spoke, we clicked. The attraction grew. I was still hesitant, though. But the connection was palpable. I could not have missed it.

He was clear. Painfully so. He was not in the financial or emotional environment that could help foster a serious relationship. Neither was I.

With that agreed upon, what followed was the most exciting roller-coster ride of a fling ever. For half a year. Even when he was not in the city for a month. In sickness and in health.

What was even clearer was our chemistry. “It could be felt across the room,” my friend told me after she met him. I blushed and nodded. Ever since, she wonders out loud why we two haven’t taken the logical step. But we remain stubborn. “It won’t work out,” we say in agreement.

Now, I want him. But, he is going away.

Also published on Thought Catalog.

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